Is one in the hole

It’s 6:58pm and I’m still not there

Time passes slower at the table sitting across from no one. The only life bubbling up a lemon raspberry sparkling water champagne glass ~ the drinking had become too much not in quantity but quality, the high was gone, limply existing, for what? I’ve always eaten in a way as to really taste, savoring the complexity of paired foods and novelty spices, yet even favored meals seem to clear the plate in grander hesitation perhaps, knowing next is to return the salt and pepper to their places on the shelf, to clear the once communal event of my day a time now left from the calendar of others and quietly ritualistically replayed to an audience of one. Or, it could be, I just fancy the sound of tiny cuts of meat and categorizing bites… I hate the fucking buzzing that god damn refrigerator makes. It’s volume ten fold this empty room. I’d ask these deserted chairs if this is what forever is like but I’m practicing presence and the future much less forever is simply a forbidden and down right rude supper time discussion.

Awakening offline, accepting your spiritual hermitage, is entirely necessary for proper vision. The absence of my social media life has yet to irk me, one must wonder then what hole was it even filling? I can only surmise in my case it was not nourishing me with anything instead a platform for the bleeding, the bleating, the pain it is to live and I had indeed tricked myself into thinking sharing these profoundly personal wounds was crucial to the vivification of my followers, those who looked to me for guidance from the darkness of their shadows, their own shallow shelves of memories of a past self haunting the cluttered laundry room of a rented house. The effect was staggeringly unexpected, rage set in. Obsession prevailed. And the noise from such proclivities deafening.

The captains throne at the helm of this solitary venture is nearer a babe and I an infant than a one year old hueman and yet an afternoon seems to count that way as if the stillness of a friendless voyage moves at the speed of light but the perception by a people long shrouded in the lives we’ve told ourselves simply cannot fathom the rushing coming of consciousness replacing an analgesic slow drip.

I won’t go. I will not leave this behind, thing behind my body and mind. I will not succumb to pretty swirring lights of zeros and ones ~ I’ll defend this machine! This biological mystery in all of it’s perfection ~ I will not post human! How can you all cut off of add metals to infringe upon something yet understood? What fools!

A hair in your food

Is one in the whole

It’s 7:52pm and I’m still not there+